Maaari bang bumalik na ako ng Maynila? Maaari bang doon na lang muna ako? Pero sana’y ganun pa rin, wala akong iisipin sa pagkain at sa tirahan. Pamasahe ko at sarili kong panggastos na lang ang pagtutuunan ko ng pansin. Basta kasama ko ang anak ko.
Maaari bang ganun na lang? Nagbabakasakali lang naman ako. Kasi gusto ko lang sanang lumayo muna. Mahirap na. Iba na naman kasi ang nararamdaman ko. Para bang isang malaking kahon ang bayang ito na puno ng mga alaala. Nakakagago kaya. Lalo na’t hindi mo naman masasanay ang sarili mo dahil iba na kayo ngayon. Alam mo yun? Hindi mo mahaharap ang lahat sapagkat nagbago na ang samahan niyo at ang panahon para makahingi ng tawad o magsabi ng mga naisaaloob niyo. Kaya ang magagawa mo na lang ay sarilinin ang mga nararamdaman at magtiis at sana’y mawala na ang mga nararamdaman mo.
Hay. Nakakainis. Nakakainis talaga. Ikaw? Nagbabasa ka pa rin? Bakit ba? May solusyon ka ba? Ako kasi wala. Hindi ako perpektong tao kasi. At hindi rin malakas ang loob ko. Akala mo lang na malakas ako pero hindi. Umiiyak din ako. Pero paminsan-minsan na lang. Bihira na nga pala. Pero tumutulo pa rin ang luha ko. Nakakaramdam rin ako ng galit at ng inis at ng pagkalungkot. Pero hindi ko sa’yo ipapakita ito.
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Nakakatuwa. Matagal na panahon din kami ni Ta Sha na di nagkasama at nagkausap. Pero sa wakas, nagkasama na rin kami. Ala lang. Pumunta kasi kami ng Bulan. Sayang nga at wala si Ate Weng. Haha. Sayang. At wala rin sina Kuya Sherwin. Haha. I can remember. Ang lahat ng mga kagaguhan namin noon. Lalo na’t ang mga interrogation. Wahaha. Nakakamiss din at wala si Roy. Walang inaaway si Ta Sha. Joke.
Anyhow, napag-usapan rin namin ang CYF. We are not claiming to be leaders ourselves. But we do know the lack of leadership when we see one. Kasi, what’s happening is that you become an officer through the sake of popularity. Once you’re always in front and jamming with the delegates, automatically, you do get in. I just don’t know how voting is done right now but I remember those times when there are only I think one or two official delegates per church. That way, the number of votes is limited. And we also did discuss that sometimes, these officers do not even know what to do. Planning is something done not way ahead of time. So it is going to be surely quite difficult.
We did discuss a lot of things about the CYF. And we both did agree on many things about this topic. In fact, I don’t remember a topic where we did disagree on something. And we both feel remorse and sadness for what has happened. Maybe there is a solution and maybe it’s on its way coming. But still, when we talked about this, I learned na hindi lang pala kaming dalawa ang nakapagsasabi ng ganun. Ako, personally, I’ve heard comments like this from the outside. And they were not done in a way dahil galit sila sa mga CYF or something. They were done in a way kasi parang nanghihinayang sila. I know somebody’s going to say something about this and I know somebody’s going to make a reaction kesyo ganyan, kesyo ganito, but I don’t give a damn what you are going to say. And if you are going to say na ‘bakit hindi ka na lang tumulong?’, then you must be out of your mind. Remember when I tried to at least join up one time? Well, I did. I was willing to help out. Even Ta Sha, when I told her about it, says that it was okay and na sanay naman kami sa mga ganun. Well, the CYF culture that we were immersed in during those earlier days. And buti na lang honest si Joanas and he later on told me na may mga tumaas ang kilay and nagsabing, “anong gagawin naman niyan dun?” I told this story to several friends, all CYFers and their reactions were the same. They were horrified by what happened. I mean, here’s a person trying to help out, at walang hinihingi na kung ano sa CYF and yet kukontrahin mo pa? Right from the mouths of those who are claiming that they are CYFers themselves? Or are you just simply too narrow-minded to see the facts for yourself? Or maybe you’re just jealous that you, those who are claiming to be the royalties of the CYF and those who are claiming to be the popular kids out in the crowd with no effort at all, don’t simply have enough resources to join up? Haha. Then eat my dust. And eat my fucking shit.
Oh yeah, reminder. Choose those people you are confiding with. Hindi lahat ng mga yan, nakikisimpatiya sa mga sinasabi niyo. Di niyo alam, sinasabi rin sa’kin ang mga kagaguhang sinasabi niyo.
Remember Juvy? Let me tell you one thing. According to Ta Sha, which is a purely reliable source, Juvy has been rattling about me and my pregnancy during the height of my pregnancy. But if you distinctly remember, Juvy also got pregnant herself and she would not even disclose who the father is. Many versions have come up like she got pregnant because she did not know who the father was. Like sabi, she just woke up after a drinking session and she was not clothed anymore. And like she had this boyfriend and there’s this other guy who’s a close friend of the boyfriend. And it would be choosing between the boyfriend and the boyfriend’s close friend. And in case you think I know, I have plenty of versions that could keep me rattling on and on and still would not know which one is it. But you’ll do get the drift as per why she would not know which or who is the father. Anyhow, she’s been rattling about me that I’d been a wanton of a woman and all sorts. Well, guess what. Ta Sha reported to me that maybe Juvy was doing that kasi she wanted the blame taken off of herself. She just gave birth during that time and nobody ever knew she was pregnant, much less knew who to point as the father. Anyhow, I was also told that some of those people who heard about that rattling about me just were not moved. At all. Instead, they could not help but state na ginagawa yun kasi she wants the attention of people to be taken away from herself. Which did not work out well. Sorry. No matter how manipulative and how cunning you are, you’ll never get away with murder. Not all people are born blind and are born to be your followers. There are some who think clearly. Unlike you.
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Oh please. These are just the tip of the iceberg. There’s more underneath. But I’m nice. I’m not going to tell all here. If you want, libre mo ako, kuwento ko sa’yo iba. Haha.
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Oh yeah. I did not know that Ta Sha was also very much in the loop. Haha. I thought hindi niya alam but she does. Haha. Nakakagulat. In fairness talaga. Now you can’t say na ako nagsabi kasi wala pa akong nababanggit, nagtatanong na si Ta Sha. Wehehe. Sowee. It can’t be me. Sorry guilty people. Uminit man ang dugo niyo, talo pa rin kayo. Sabi nga, walang sikretong di nabubunyag. Di ko nga binunyag, may nakauna pa sa’kin. Kalokah! Wahaha.
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Hoy! Ikaw. Text ka na ulit. Sus. Alam ko naman na ikaw yun eh. Kaya, paramdam ka na. Promise. Mabait na ako. Nakikipag-away pa rin. Pero mabait. Wahaha. Labas naman tayo. Miss na kita eh. Basta. Meron pang iba. Akin na lang yun. Ayoko nang maging tanga. Sa Internet pa. Hehe.
atomicgirl shared her thoughts at 02:59 pm
