i have been hearing nina's 'someday' for days now. in fact, the other night, when i was about to go home, the jeep i was riding in was playing that song. then last night, while at ate pinky's she chose to play 'someday'. oh well. and we were all joking just how we all should just listen to the lyrics and then reflect on the message. no way jose!

anyhow, here's the lyrics.

Someday Nina

Someday you'll gonna realize
One day you'll see through my eyes
But then i won't even be there
I'll be happy somewhere
Even if i can't

I know
You dont really see my worth
You think your the last guy on earth
Well i've got news for you
I know i'm not that strong
But it won't take long
Won't take long

Coz someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, i want you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day i'll forget about you
You'll see, i won't even miss you
Someday, someday

But now
I know you can't tell
I'm down,and i'm not down anyway
But one day these tears
They will all run dry
I won't have to cry
Sweet goodbye

A couple of weeks ago, I was quite content with just going home straight from work. I would then play with my son and then hit the sack early. In fact, too early even to catch some of the primetime shows on ABS-CBN. Sometimes, I would be armed with a book to help me catch the zzzs. I would also feel grumpy in the morning when I do not get 7 hours of sleep.  

But for the past week, I needed some kind of distraction. After all that has happened, I needed to tire myself out so that when I go home, all I'd do would be to just lie down and drift off to sleep. Because my body is tired and my mind is busy, I would be able to work my way to dreamland without much fuss.  

The usual limit for me is two bottles of san mig light. I sometimes would not even be able to finish two. Sometimes I go for three but it needs all my might to finish them. Rarely do I finish three bottles.  

Well, last night at Ate Pinky's, we had a session. Ate Pinky just sat there and jammed with us but she never did drink any. A couple cigarettes were okay with her while me, Theon, and Ryan (another friend of theirs) had bottles of Red Horse. And those bottles were not those stallion ones.  

Imagine me finishing two of them and still feeling "fine". Really. Di pa ako nagsawa sa lasa which, for me, is my indicator that I am nearing my limit. However, the tingling feeling and all else in between was starting to descend on me and I still had to go home and possibly enter our house looking like everything was all right.  

Haha. I did manage to do that and I was also best friends with our toilet bowl. Yes, I was vomiting my stomach out so much so that I was able to remember those times when I was still pregnant and in the "naglilihi" stage. Oh well.  

But after a couple of vomiting episodes, I was able to just lie down and sleep. Thanks to Him (for the chance to drink like that), Ate Pinky (for the place and the food), and Theon and Ryan (for the stories). Imagine, hinatid pa nila ako pauwi eh magkabilaan lang ng Vel-Amor ang bahay namin. Wahaha.

It's true. I thought I have already forgot but I guess I didn't.  

And it's true. Friends stab you in the front while your enemies stab you in the front.  

It has been an interesting day and I guess I've been the focus and the center of attention for the last couple of hours. And my stupidity is acting up again that instead of realizing that what they're saying would be something to make me feel "over" and not really "better. I hope you do know what I'm trying to mean here.  

The fact is, I think I should be hearing negative things. That means, I'll have the gall to be angry and not be hurt. At least, if I get hurt, I'll have reason to feel angry and anger is the best thing that could happen to me at this point.  

But what's happening is that I'm not getting angry at that person. I'm only hurting myself but feeling that should be "the one" and feeling only angrier at myself for thinking so.  

I guess I have said too much and too soon. And that's another form of stupidity.  

I should have gone ahead and forgot about everything else and phased out that part of my life. Memories are supposed to be like pictures that you put away and you only take them out once in a while and remember them. But they are not actually supposed to be there to remind you all the time of what you have gone through. Yes, learn as you go on but never hold on to it.  

And that is my mistake.  

So I'm angry at myself at the moment. And not angry at that person.  

Which is wrong. So wrong.  

I don't know when I'll be able to accomplish that. I have tons of strong points but this matter seems to be my Watergate. I don't know when I'll be able to actually "reformat" my mind and program it with new things.  

And so the Singles Club is back to two. And soon enough I'll be alone. Shari I think wants to join. But she's in Manila so she'll be heading the chapter there. And here in Legazpi, it's just going to be me and Theon. And I'm feeling that soon enough, he'll be joining the People In Love Club so I'll be all alone.  

God. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm banging my brains out but there seems to be no change in me. They say I'm strong but I don't feel so strong right now. Especially after hearing all those stories from Monsi. We just had a tambay session over sticks of Marlboro Gold and a cup of coffee.  

And I'm all alone right here and nobody to talk to. As I told them, sometimes I know reality when I'm with other people but I return to my own fantasy when I'm alone. So please, bear with me and just help me go back to reality. After all, reality is where we all live in and fantasy never did help me in any way.

And so I’ve been depressed a couple of days back but I’m slowly starting to feel the old me again. Maybe not the same person that I had been before I learnt that terrible, terrible thing but I’ll probably be normal.  

Anyhow, what lifted my spirits up was an email from Candy saying that I was nominated. So try take a look at my sidebar and you’ll see the logo. Heck, let me just post it here.  


Click here and vote for Atomicgirl Writes About Life.

There. Now you see that logo. All you need to do is just click on it and you’ll have to vote for my blog. That’s just how it goes. Then, after that, why don’t you try telling your friends to vote for me too.  

Oh, I guess you might need to register so go ahead and do that. Really. I’ll be so grateful if you do vote for me. Especially if I do win. It would make me so happy that I’ll probably not feel depressed too much.  

Vote as often as you can. And I’ll be really happy.

Hopefully, I’m back to my normal self. Well, I guess I was able to realize that I had no right to think and to feel that way. I do know what situation I’m in and whatever does happen, whatever blame there is would always boil down to me.  

Thanks for my friends for being there for me. Even though they do not know what I’m going through right now, they’re still there and somehow they understand. Thanks really. And they really are a Godsend. Thank you. And thank You.