It's true. I thought I have already forgot but I guess I didn't.  

And it's true. Friends stab you in the front while your enemies stab you in the front.  

It has been an interesting day and I guess I've been the focus and the center of attention for the last couple of hours. And my stupidity is acting up again that instead of realizing that what they're saying would be something to make me feel "over" and not really "better. I hope you do know what I'm trying to mean here.  

The fact is, I think I should be hearing negative things. That means, I'll have the gall to be angry and not be hurt. At least, if I get hurt, I'll have reason to feel angry and anger is the best thing that could happen to me at this point.  

But what's happening is that I'm not getting angry at that person. I'm only hurting myself but feeling that should be "the one" and feeling only angrier at myself for thinking so.  

I guess I have said too much and too soon. And that's another form of stupidity.  

I should have gone ahead and forgot about everything else and phased out that part of my life. Memories are supposed to be like pictures that you put away and you only take them out once in a while and remember them. But they are not actually supposed to be there to remind you all the time of what you have gone through. Yes, learn as you go on but never hold on to it.  

And that is my mistake.  

So I'm angry at myself at the moment. And not angry at that person.  

Which is wrong. So wrong.  

I don't know when I'll be able to accomplish that. I have tons of strong points but this matter seems to be my Watergate. I don't know when I'll be able to actually "reformat" my mind and program it with new things.  

And so the Singles Club is back to two. And soon enough I'll be alone. Shari I think wants to join. But she's in Manila so she'll be heading the chapter there. And here in Legazpi, it's just going to be me and Theon. And I'm feeling that soon enough, he'll be joining the People In Love Club so I'll be all alone.  

God. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm banging my brains out but there seems to be no change in me. They say I'm strong but I don't feel so strong right now. Especially after hearing all those stories from Monsi. We just had a tambay session over sticks of Marlboro Gold and a cup of coffee.  

And I'm all alone right here and nobody to talk to. As I told them, sometimes I know reality when I'm with other people but I return to my own fantasy when I'm alone. So please, bear with me and just help me go back to reality. After all, reality is where we all live in and fantasy never did help me in any way.

And so I’ve been depressed a couple of days back but I’m slowly starting to feel the old me again. Maybe not the same person that I had been before I learnt that terrible, terrible thing but I’ll probably be normal.  

Anyhow, what lifted my spirits up was an email from Candy saying that I was nominated. So try take a look at my sidebar and you’ll see the logo. Heck, let me just post it here.  


Click here and vote for Atomicgirl Writes About Life.

There. Now you see that logo. All you need to do is just click on it and you’ll have to vote for my blog. That’s just how it goes. Then, after that, why don’t you try telling your friends to vote for me too.  

Oh, I guess you might need to register so go ahead and do that. Really. I’ll be so grateful if you do vote for me. Especially if I do win. It would make me so happy that I’ll probably not feel depressed too much.  

Vote as often as you can. And I’ll be really happy.

Hopefully, I’m back to my normal self. Well, I guess I was able to realize that I had no right to think and to feel that way. I do know what situation I’m in and whatever does happen, whatever blame there is would always boil down to me.  

Thanks for my friends for being there for me. Even though they do not know what I’m going through right now, they’re still there and somehow they understand. Thanks really. And they really are a Godsend. Thank you. And thank You.

reileen called me up yesterday afternoon. i was still in the office. and i was feeling pretty bad so that my voice did not have the usual tinkle when i answered the phone.

she told me that she was at her job when patty laurel came and ordered something. reileen, by the way, works in a food joint. so she assisted patty with her order(s).

i laughed when she told me, "di ko matanggap. mas maganda siya sa'tin."

i'm supposed to write about happy thoughts here. but i can't. i just can't. i could try but i am afraid that it would only come out as a failure. so i'm not going to. i'm just going to sit here and let my fingers do the talking.

i'd like to tell you about all the things that happened but i can't. and i won't. maybe this is going to be one of the things that i'd better keep away from my "internet life" so that i'd best forget about it.

but writing has been a kind of a cure for me. when i am able to send my confused thoughts and feelings and ideas, i start to feel better.

so that goes to say that i might have a long time to deal with this current situation. i have yet to express myself and yet i'm scared. well, theon already knows. i guess we've been friends for so long now that he knows what i'm thinking (or feeling). good thing, he was at least able to alleviate some of the burden that i was carrying last night.

naubos nga lang load ko. but sometimes, things like that are worth nothing compared to the "heavy" feeling that you are supposed to get off your shoulders. oh well.