Last night, Kiko asked me, “Wala bang nanliligaw sa’yo?”  

Of course, my first reaction was to ask, “Why?”  

I was thinking, was it wrong now that I did not have any suitors? Was there something wrong with the fact that I have been boyfriend-less for years already and I have most certainly been suitor-less for just around the same period. Really. That is no joke.  

But then I’m thinking, what do you guys care? Is it my fault that guys don’t like like like me?  

Well, maybe because I have a strong personality. And maybe because I may not be that pretty anymore (heck, I’m prettie than most of you girls! –lakas ng self-esteem! Hehe.). Maybe because I already have got a son who’s turning two this September. And maybe because they may feel intimated by who I am.  

Well, as I told Monsi, if a guy wants me, he’s going to have to like me for who I am and for I have been able to go through and accomplish. And he says that I am right. Well, that’s what friends are for, right Monsi?  

Anyhow, I did tell Kiko that no, I had no suitors for years. And he looks at me as if I was kidding him. Well, I’m telling you the truth, I say to him. He just shrugs.  

Don’t get me wrong. Kiko is a good friend and he will be a good friend. There’s nothing romantic going on between us and he just broke up with his girlfriend whom I know he really does love. Still. So there.  

Just an innocent piece of conversation between two friends.  

By the way, we already have a club right now. It’s called the Singles Club. But I’m not asking any one of you to join. If you would like to join, then join up. Just don’t join us for the sake of just joining us. We wouldn’t want to meddle in your mushy love affairs. So far, it’s me, Theon, and Kiko.  

I’m not so sure about Kiko though. I feel they’re going to get back soon enough. And as for Theon, I think he’s going to have a jowa soon, too. I just don’t know who. So the Singles Club is going to have only me as the member. Boohoo!

I had a restless kind of sleep last night. And I’m still thinking why I had to react that way. I don’t know. The fact is, once you are all alone and there’s nobody else in the world you can talk to, the reality of the situation comes barging down on you that you seem to be trapped and you are powerless.  

Last night, I felt that way. Everything all came to me and I just could not seem to have the power to do anything during that situation. Even sleep seemed to mock me and tell me that I better face the harsh reality over and over again for it won’t let me just drift off and slumber straight to dreamland.  

Oh well.  

The fact is I was stupid and I did not realize it up until it was already too late. And this is what I get. There’s really no one to blame but me. But I don’t care. Call me stupid. I already know that.

This is sure going to be another restless night. Especially now that I have already confirmed the truth. Especially now that I have found out just how stupid I really am.  

If you are reading this, let me just say that I’m really sorry for what I’ve told you just a couple of minutes ago. I know you are already happy. I already told you what I wanted to say to you and mind you, it was the truth. So I hope you do understand. But still I’m saying sorry.  

I’ll just be here typing away and crying my heart out, never mind the fact that I’m supposed to be working. God I hate days like this. I know I can get over these. But it’s going to be hard. Once again.  

That’s why we’re going to go drinking tomorrow. God. I do need an alibi. And I do need to waste myself.

It’s past 1am and I am still awake. I tried lying down and falling off to sleep but the only thing I ever managed was to further muddle the muddled thoughts that my mind contained. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. The only therapeutic thing I know is to work and I don’t have my work files here at home yet. So all I am doing now is sitting here in front of my new computer and just wasting my words away.  

I should be getting some shuteye now. I have to work still tomorrow. But my mind and my thoughts keep running so much so that the rest of me have to run with them too. So I’m restless. And there seems to be no cure. No consolation. Only grief. And sadness. And tears. And regret.  

Regretting that I perhaps should not have gone ahead and did what I did today. Maybe I should have followed my instincts and just went to the office. At least, there, I could have been productive. And when I go home, all I’ll do is play with my son, then lie down in bed and just drift off to sleep.  

I never did have trouble sleeping even when I’m stressed out from work. But I can always lose sleep over trivial things like this.  

I may be speaking in riddles this time but maybe somebody understands what I’m talking about. So I’m taking my chances. Maybe that somebody can tell me what I should do. I’m too old to be losing sleep over things like this. I should already have learned years ago.  

Oh well. Maybe writing would be therapeutic as well. So I hope as I end this entry, I’ll be able to peacefully lie down and have a kind of sleep full of wonderful dreams until the sun starts to shine through the windows of this room.

These are just a few of the emotions that I have felt today. And I really do feel sad. Well, right now.  

The fact is, I am really stupid. Stupid enough to hold on to something that I know would never be mine. Stupid enough to hope that there is something left for me to build a new story. Stupid enough to do all of these when I already know that I would be the one to get hurt in the end.  

Well, I guess, that’s me. I’m the stupid one and there’s nobody else to blame but me. And I know that. I really do.  

It’s a good thing though that I have friends who are there. They may not know what I really feel but I have this gut feeling that they do already have a glimpse of the thoughts running in my head and the rage of emotions running through my heart. They may not necessarily be there to comfort me with regards to that but I am really sure that they understand what I am going through.  

That is why they are honest with me. Honest enough to tell me things even though they know that it could hurt me. Well, maybe they’re thinking that I have already gotten over such matters but maybe there’s this part in their heads saying that maybe I am still pining for… well… something.  

Oh God I hate myself. I really do.  

Maybe this is the sign that I have been asking for from Him. And maybe it is really time that I listened to what He has to say.  

Oh well.  

There’s nothing else to do but focus on other things. Who cares about stress? The only stress I’m suffering from is the kind of stress that I am allowing myself to have. And that’s plain stupid.  

So that’s me. I’m Peachy and I’m stupid.  

There I said it.  

Thank you for reading and may you have a great day. Not like me.