I'm expecting something from someone but I know I shouldn't. This is really not so me but I don't know what's up with it. In just a few moments, my YM would possibly light up and that somebody should have said whatever it was that was bothering him. I don't even know if 'bother' should be the right word because I honestly don't know. I'm only grasping at straws here and I am only working on my emotions right now.

Although I do want something to happen, I am pretty much unsure if it's right. I would only be disappointing my own expectations, the standards I've set for myself and that's not right. Or if it's right, then maybe it should happen. I dunno. I'm talking in riddles here again and I hope you don't mind. 

Well, right now, the only consolation I have is this forwarded SMS from a friend: "No matter how painful your decision has been, as long as you can sleep well at night, it means that you made the right choice."

And I'm thinking that if that something happens, I'd probably be sleeping even better.

(What the heck am I thinking about? I need somebody to bonk my head. This is not right. I am pretty much over this stage. Sooo high school.)

I found this over at Sir Arao's blog. And so I decided to check just what kind of education my readers would need to understand and enjoy my blog. Here's the result:

Yey. At least this means that almost everybody can read my blog. Haha.

It is utterly amazing that a year has once again passed. The new year means having yet another go at life and changing some things in your life. Like one of the things in my to-do lists in my mind. I have been telling myself that I need to clean up my room.

Okay. Maybe if I had a Dyson vacuum cleaner I would be able to do the job quickly. Far better than what I would be able to do if I were doing the cleaning manually. These cleaners as far as I know are going to be the best friends of those who are suffering from dust allergies and from asthma. I know my son would be benefitting a lot from this.

If my parents would shell out some cash for me, I'd gladly order one of these. I mean I'd surely need all the help I can get to make my room spic and span. I know I listed getting my room cleaned up and organized somewhere in my brain.

When a friend told me that she thinks another friend of ours considers me as one of the few real friends she has, I immediately felt my heart thumping like crazy. The thing is, my heart was beating not because I was really happy but because I always have this notion that I will always disappoint them when they consider me to be that special. I was happy though to know that but the feeling that I will disappoint her was more overpowering.

I have had my share of ups and downs with friends and friendships and I guess I have already learned much by now. I do really understand that most of my friends were oftentimes older than me or were younger than me. Then there is also the realization that most of my friends are guys. I mean, just take last night. I was out with four guys and I was the only she-male. Whatever.

I used to give my all in friendships. Whenever they did something foul or something plain too much to me, I figured, "Hey, it's okay. I'll forgive you." But I just realized too late that they were only using me or because they needed something from me. And with that realization came this armor around me that I would never be that stupid and that I would never be that vulnerable anymore. It's just high time that I took care of myself and stop thinking about others and what they might think.

And so I hate to say this but I am often hesitant to be really too close to a person. Sure we may be close but when they already start to call me 'best friend' or what have you, I slowly withdraw and distance myself until they stop calling me so. I know I'll only disappoint them in the end and I think that I'd rather just be your friend or your barkada than be somebody you'd call your best bud. Though I may be happy knowing I am that special to you, I just could not bear the thought that one day, I'd only hurt you and leave you broken. That's my weird way of treasuring people I care for.