When a friend told me that she thinks another friend of ours considers me as one of the few real friends she has, I immediately felt my heart thumping like crazy. The thing is, my heart was beating not because I was really happy but because I always have this notion that I will always disappoint them when they consider me to be that special. I was happy though to know that but the feeling that I will disappoint her was more overpowering.

I have had my share of ups and downs with friends and friendships and I guess I have already learned much by now. I do really understand that most of my friends were oftentimes older than me or were younger than me. Then there is also the realization that most of my friends are guys. I mean, just take last night. I was out with four guys and I was the only she-male. Whatever.

I used to give my all in friendships. Whenever they did something foul or something plain too much to me, I figured, "Hey, it's okay. I'll forgive you." But I just realized too late that they were only using me or because they needed something from me. And with that realization came this armor around me that I would never be that stupid and that I would never be that vulnerable anymore. It's just high time that I took care of myself and stop thinking about others and what they might think.

And so I hate to say this but I am often hesitant to be really too close to a person. Sure we may be close but when they already start to call me 'best friend' or what have you, I slowly withdraw and distance myself until they stop calling me so. I know I'll only disappoint them in the end and I think that I'd rather just be your friend or your barkada than be somebody you'd call your best bud. Though I may be happy knowing I am that special to you, I just could not bear the thought that one day, I'd only hurt you and leave you broken. That's my weird way of treasuring people I care for.